Exguides
Collection of good Technical Guides and Tools
Tech Humour
Frog or Girl?
A man is walking down the street. He looks over and sees a frog sitting there on the sidewalk. The frog looks up and says in a sweet voice, "I am really a princess. If you kiss me just once, I will return to my human form and do anything for you." The man picks up the frog, looks at it, and places it in his pocket. He then heads on his way again. Shortly a voice is heard from his pocket: "Didn't you hear me? If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything for you." The man takes the frog from his pocket, looks at it for a moment, and returns is to his pocket. Shortly the voice is heard again, this time with a frustrated tone: "Hey! What's wrong with you?! I said if you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you want!" The man pulls out the frog and says to it, "Look, I'm a computer science student. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is kind of neat."
Intel's New Logo
Who Makes Better Toasters?
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one sided or double sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If University of Waterloo made toasters... They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast. If ParcPlace made toasters... Their OO building block system would be called EGGO. If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke. If Sun made toasters... The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java. Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they? If Hewlett Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If Tandem made toasters... You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one. If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time. If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single slice toaster in the world. If The Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it. If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security. If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt. If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting. If Fisher Price made toasters... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack in the box. If the Franklin Mint made toasters... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand crafted piece of your authentic hand crafted Civil War pewter toaster. If CostCo made toasters... They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six pack of 'em. If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but none the less would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
Some Common Error Messages
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... Enter any 11digit prime number to continue...
Microsoft Powered GM's New Car
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up
with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:
- For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
- Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car. - Occasionally your car would stall on the freeway for no reason.
You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the
windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before
you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. - Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to remove and reinstall the engine. - Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would
run on only five percent of the roads. - The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would
all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal
Operation" warning light. - The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
- Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock
you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted
the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. - Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls
would operate in the same manner as the old car. - You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
One Liners and QnA
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, that's a hardware problem. Q: WATT is the unit of power? A: WATT? A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge". Q. What did one electron say to the other electron? A. Don't get excited. You'll only get into a state! Q: What did one photon say to the other photon? A: I'm sick and tired of your interference. Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? A: "You may have graduated but I've got many degrees" Q: What did the Nuclear Physicist have for lunch? A: Fission Chips Q: How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb? A: He doesn't. He declares darkness the industry standard. Q: What is the difference between a Quantum Theorist and a Beauty Therapist? A: The Quantum Theorist uses Planck's Constant as a foundation, whereas the Beauty Therapist uses Max Factor.
Glossary of PC Messages
It says: "Press Any Key"It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."
It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)
It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."
It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows
and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."
It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."
It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the
bit below 640K."
It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."
It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."
It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."
It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."
What a Coincidence!
Do you know that Bill gates' REAL name is William Henry Gates III? Nowadays, he is known as Bill Gates (III) where "III" means the order of third (3rd). So, what's so eerie about this name? OK, if you take all the letters in Bill Gates III and then convert it in ASCII code (American standard code for information interchange) and then ADD up all the numbers...you will get 666, which is the number of the beast!!! B = 66 I = 73 L = 76 L = 76 G = 71 A = 65 T = 84 E = 69 S = 83 I = 1 I = 1 I = 1 = 666 !!!! THE NUMBER OF THE DEVIL Coincidence? Maybe, but take WINDOWS 95 and do the SAME procedure and you will get 666 too!!! And the same goes for MS-DOS 6.31!!! Are you sure this is not a coincidence? You decide.... MS-DOS 6.21 ** 77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666 WINDOWS 95 ** 87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1= 666
Top ten new slogans for Intel:
?9.9999973251 it?s a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug ?8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So ?7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes ?6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside ?5.9999835137 Redefining the PC and Mathematics As Well ?4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really ?3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful ?2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point? ?1.9999103517 we?re looking for a Few Good Flaws ?0.9999999998 The Errata Inside
Diary of an AOL User:
July 18 I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong. July 19 Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am? July 22 I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused. July 23 I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online. July 25. That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound. July 26 What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused. July 27 The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all. July 28 I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone. July 29 I found this thing called Usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not Usenet. July 30 These people in this Usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard. JULY 31 I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITAL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION. AUGUST 1 I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON. AUGUST 2 I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES. AUGUST 3 I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE. AUGUST 4 THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES. AUGUST 5 SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY. AUGUST 6 SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET? August 7 Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money. August 8 I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find. August 9 I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more. August 10 I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is. August 11 I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group. August 12 I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words. August 13 I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like. August 14 Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
